A Parents Guide to Being a Trusted Adult
Becoming a trusted adult is to be someone who listens without judgment, expectation, or agenda.
Trusting parent-child relationships are based on consistent interactions that create an environment where a child feels "seen, heard, understood, celebrated, received, and accepted." For parents, becoming a trusted adult to their child means creating a safe environment that fosters open communication, mutual respect, and emotional connections.
A recent study revealed that adolescents' capacity to identify, manage, and recover from painful emotions plays a significant role in decreasing the risk of suicide. Furthermore, relationships with trusted adults are crucial in providing support and insulation against depression, though it's important to recognize that these relationships, while highly beneficial, are not an absolute safeguard against suicide attempts.
It begins with reliable parents who are understanding, encouraging, and nonjudgmental. They are fully engaged communicators who actively listen to their children. From this safe place, children gain a sense of self-worth and the confidence to interact with the world around them.
Although building such a relationship may seem overwhelming amid the struggle for work-life balance, incorporating the following tips into daily interactions creates a safe environment built on trust. It establishes a connection that enables children and teens to share their lives with a trusted adult who is also a parent.
What is the Role of a Trusted Adult?
Trusted adults are individuals in a young person's life who make them feel safe. They are people who:
Respect the child's body boundaries
Listen and respond to concerns
Are available and dependable
Are open-minded and nonjudgmental
Are honest and understanding
Becoming a trusted adult is to be someone who listens without judgment, expectation, or agenda. It is someone a child or teen sees as a supporting and encouraging influence in their lives. Young people view a trusted adult as someone they can talk with about anything.
Understanding Their World
A lifetime of experiences provides adults with a deep understanding of the world. With fewer experiences, young people face their world with a smaller collection of coping mechanisms to help navigate life's challenges. What they see as significant may seem unimportant to adults with years of life behind them. That's why it's important to view their world through their eyes.
Parents can learn about a child's world through observation. They can:
Observe Peer Interactions
Trusted adults practice active listening, validate feelings, and avoid judgmental responses.
Listen to how children talk and interact with friends. Their conversations can reveal social situations that cause concern and indicate changes in how a child resolves conflict. Avoid intervening or trying to correct behavior while observing your child unless safety is a concern.
Learn Their Passions
Children's passions may change as they mature. Their love of dinosaurs gives way to exploring nature. Their desire to play soccer or basketball fades as they discover hiking or skateboarding. Whatever their passions, parents should use them as a way to connect.
Watch Their Behavior and Body Language
As tweens become teens, they become more "body conscious." They may change how they dress or hold themselves, indicating unresolved concerns. Young people may also alter their eating habits to counter body shaming. Paying attention to these changes allows parents to help their children find healthy alternatives to counter negative peer pressure.
While external sources can inform, they are no substitute for observing your children in their environment. Don't try to fit your child into a mold; instead, adapt information to fit your child.
Communicating in Their Language
Communication is central to any relationship. If children, like adults, do not feel heard, they will not risk exposing their vulnerabilities. Trusted adults practice active listening, validate feelings, and avoid judgmental responses.
Practice Active Listening
Active listening requires 100% of your attention. No TV in the background or glances to check your phone. It requires validating feedback so your child knows you are listening. It also means asking for explanations when they use language you don't understand.
Don't try to fit your child into a mold; instead, adapt information to fit your child.
Validate Feelings
Never dismiss, minimize, or marginalize a child's feelings or experiences. If you need clarification, ask in a non-confrontational way. Instead of a brusk, "Could you repeat that," try asking for validation of your understanding.
Watch Your Responses
Body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice can undermine what you say. Children are very adept at picking up on nonverbal signals that parents don't even recognize they are using. Even as adults, people can be triggered by their parent's tone of voice.
Open communication is never passive. When your child wants to talk, don't dismiss them with a "hmmm," "huh?" or "really." Actively engage in the conversation to build a trusting relationship with your child.
When a parent really listens to understand, it can make a big difference in a child's life. Just being there and listening without judging can benefit their mental health and protect against suicide risk. Having a trusted adult in their lives helps kids handle mental health challenges better and perform better in school. It can also help decrease the effects of abuse and trauma by giving them a safe, non-judgmental space to talk. By being there and listening, parents can be positive role models for their kids, showing them how to handle life’s tough spots in a healthier way.
Fostering Independence While Providing Safety Nets
Fostering independence involves choices. For children to experience the freedom to choose, they must first feel safe. They need reliable and consistent responses and routines that create a sense of security no matter how life changes. Building that environment begins before they can walk.
Give Them Responsibilities
Letting children help with household chores gives them a sense of accomplishment. When they no longer enjoy chores, it's essential to maintain those responsibilities. It is a safe approach to teaching children that choices have consequences. If they put off cleaning their room or walking the dog, they may not have time to watch a movie or play a video game.
Give Them Choices
Nothing encourages independence like choices. Even toddlers benefit from choosing between apples and oranges for a snack. As children grow, their choices become more complex. If tweens and teens feel supported, they may want to explore their options with a trusted adult. When young people ask a trusted adult to help with decisions, do not decide for them or push a personal agenda but ensure a safety net to prevent life-changing consequences.
Explore Consequences
Every choice has a consequence. Sometimes, the results are as expected; sometimes, they are not. Children need to understand that exploring what might happen before making a choice is a better option than acting on impulse. When they make poor choices, trusted adults help children learn from their mistakes so they can make wiser decisions in the future.
Respond Together
No matter the choice, children need to know that their parents, who become trusted adults, are there to help. They are not there to assess blame for poor decisions or to propose a solution. They are present to explore options. Children need to feel that they are never alone.
Finding Resources
By embracing the role of a trusted adult, parents can profoundly influence their child’s mental resilience against the challenges of life and suicide. Every child needs a parent to be their trusted adult who they can count on to be emotionally available, no matter the circumstances. Parents can be those adults if they continuously work on building and strengthening a trusting relationship.
Parents need to actively seek support and resources to help navigate the challenging landscape that raising children creates. They must understand that their own mental, emotional, and physical health is a prerequisite to building a trusting parent-child relationship. For more information and to learn how you can become a trusted adult, see our Training for Trusted Adults and the parent module of the Signs of Suicide Training.